The Assertive Three-Step Formula to Request Change
Structures help us to keep communication efficient and effective.
Your friend repeatedly arrives late or cancels at the last minute. Your employer gives you work someone else should be doing. Your partner drinks excessively.
The conversations you're avoiding are usually the ones you most need to have. But as they involve uncomfortable scenarios such as confronting someone about their behaviour, asking for change and setting boundaries, it’s understandable that we delay them. The result is just as uncomfortable though - dysfunction, resentment, and eventual breakdown.
Such conversations depend on many variables: the response and cooperation of both parties, managing emotions, openness, understanding, and flexibility. When confronted with a challenge on our behaviour, defensiveness can block openness and understanding. Whereas a blind determination to get one’s own way can impede flexibility and empathy.
What if there was a formula that makes such conversations more effective? Does it guarantee success? No. Collaboration is two-way, and we can’t expect others to behave a certain way. But we can still achieve our own communication goals. The three-step formula to request change keeps the conversation on track, message clear, and boundaries set.
The Assertive Three-Step Formula to Request Change
This technique allows you to organise your own thoughts and communicate them in a clear way for others to understand easily.
Step 1: Recognise what is happening that you do not agree with/want to change.
Describe it.
Kate: You repeatedly turn up late or cancel our appointments at the last minute.
Step 2: State how you feel about it - the effect it is having on you. Use ‘I’ statements. Say so clearly.
Kate: It is frustrating to be repeatedly delayed/cancelled at such short notice. I try to be flexible and understanding. But when my time is wasted so often, I feel like my flexibility is taken for granted.
Step 3: State what you would like to happen/change.
Kate: I want our appointments and my time to be respected. Last-minute changes should be an exception, not a given. I want us to chat about this before arranging to meet again.
Sometimes clearly stating what is happening is enough for the other person to understand and take action, or at least participate in a cooperative conversation. Correctly managed, this can be a great opportunity to help someone in need, improve communication, become more intimate, or solve underlying problems. A collaborative response could sound like:
Ciara: I am sorry, and I understand. Time management has become a problem for me recently. Thanks for bringing it up. Let me know whenever you have free time and we can talk.
Give Conversations Their Best Chance
You know the phrase ‘There’s a time and a place for everything’? That especially applies to difficult conversations. Set yourself up for even more successful conversations with these tips.
Pick a time and a place that is as comfortable as possible for all parties. Think of having enough time for a proper conversation, privacy, and in moments that are not already stressful. Before an exam, at the end of a difficult workday or when one party is tired/ill, under the influence of substances, or otherwise occupied, for example, are not appropriate times to start a difficult conversation. The exception? In emergencies. Sometimes text or a call is best; other times, in-person is better.
Where possible, let the person know you want to speak in advance, so they can also prepare themselves.
Get clarity before commencing about what your objective for the conversation is - and stick to it. This avoids emotional rants, finger pointing and playing the victim.
E.g. My goal is to let Ciara know that I want her to respect our appointments and my time. Late arrivals and last minute cancellations should be exceptions, not givens.
Give the other party time to think, respond, and offer their own point of view. If you want to be listened to and understood, you must be prepared to do the same.
It’s OK to take a break, or even have the conversation in stages to allow processing. Give each other adequate time and space to reflect and respond.
What If It Doesn’t Work?
For true collaboration we must respect the other party’s right to offer their own side, reflect, process and respond. However, sometimes they will block progress by making excuses, shifting the blame, becoming unreasonable, or avoiding the issue. When there is an ongoing absence of collaboration to find a resolution, keep it simple and move into the second stage: repetition.
Stage Two: Repetition
Repeat Step Three - what you want to change - in response to distractions thrown your way, to bring the conversation back to the original objective. This is where the formula's real power lies. It stops the tendency to get involved in arguments, deflections or justifications. Repetition helps keep your communication goals intact.
Ciara: Isn’t this all a bit fussy? You know I’ve been having a stressful time at work, and it isn´t easy to get away. I don’t have the same benefits as you.
Kate: I do understand that, and I still need to have my own time and energy respected.
Three repetitions are a good rule of thumb - but you can decide when to employ stage three.
Stage Three: Escalate - Boundaries and Consequences
Know your boundaries. Let's say there is no progress towards the change you desire, or the conversation hasn’t worked because of a lack of collaboration. Before starting, you must also have clarity on, and be ready to state your boundaries and the consequences when they are crossed.
Ciara: Well, we all have our moments. You’re no exception! You’re sounding more like a boss than a friend.
Kate: Talking about the situation seriously and respectfully is important for me so that we can find a solution. If you are unable to do that, I will not continue to make plans together. Take the time you need. I will be available to chat again when you’re ready to do something about it.
Make sure you are prepared to enforce the boundary and consequences if crossed. The assertive formula to request change respects the other party’s right to refuse the request. It’s not a demand. Yet it also supports the requestor in sticking to their communication objective of expressing their need/desire, without being pulled into arguments.
When the conversation in the above example was no longer constructive, Kate’s priorities shifted and she decided to protect her present time, energy and self-respect by enforcing the boundary and closing the conversation. This is a good example of how assertive communication is not about always getting your way, but rather genuine self-expression that encourages resolution or evolution (moving on).
Communication is a skill, which means we can learn it and develop it. Structures help us to keep it efficient and effective.
What issue will you address using the Three-Step Formula to Request Change?
Version 2.0 of my 1:1 assertiveness coaching course Potent Presence is now open for enrollment. Learn more or book a discovery call.
Siobhán Gallagher is a coach, educator and writer working at the intersection between communication, career and wellbeing. Join her mailing list or book a discovery call to learn more about her services. Connect at siobhangallagher.co, LinkedIn and Instagram