Picking Up Other People’s Litter
Lessons from From Awkward to Empowered - 10 Steps to Assertive Communication - Part Three
Image by Rudy and Peter Skitterians from Pixabay
This morning I was taking my recycling to a nearby collection point. On the way I picked up a few more plastic bottles on the street to recycle them too - yes, other people’s trash.
This can be a contentious topic (along with dog poo, loud music, and remodelling rented apartments).
One might argue that I’m submitting to other people that don't have the respect to do it themselves.
Or that I’m wasting my energy - a few bottles won't make much difference. Why didn't I pick them all up?
Or that people won't learn if we do it for them.
The Choice to Do It for Yourself
Those could all be right. And yet, for me it was an assertive decision. I’m not interested in who left them there, or why, or how disrespectful they are. My intention is not to clean up after them or assume their responsibility either. On the contrary, I did it for me - something positive, proactive and in alignment with my values at that moment. This is basic assertiveness, and no-one else was directly involved.
No Conflict, Just Desire
You see, we tend to think of assertiveness solely through the lens of conflict with others. For example, confronting your colleague who constantly interrupts you, or your friend who always arrives late, or your employer who gives you someone else’s work. However, positive opportunities for assertive action exist everywhere, yet we often hold back. For example,
initiating intimacy with your partner, even though they are usually the ones to do it.
letting a stranger know that their zip is open, their shoelace is untied or they have food stuck between their teeth.
taking time to thank someone for their customer service or compliment them on their skill.
telling a joke in public.
sharing how much you admire or appreciate someone.
taking up a new hobby, especially one that you need to learn or isn't common for your demographic.
staying consistent with a new routine: exercise, study, healthy eating, etc.
When the instinct to say or do these things comes from a genuine desire, trusting ourselves to manage it and follow through is assertiveness in action. We are honoring our desires, despite also feeling proud, shy, embarrassed, emotional, clueless or tired - feelings that can often lead us to passivity and submission. Instead, by following through every time, we build our self-trust, our confidence and the ease with which we take such action. The pride, embarrassment or fear decreases, we become more articulate and comfortable, the hobby becomes fun, the consistency pays off.
The Result Is Less Important Than We Think
While these decisions challenge us, they also open us up to more interaction, opportunity and reward. Yet, as with all assertive choices, the outcome may not be what we intend. We can’t always control that. Despite our good intentions, we may be ignored, told to mind our own business, get rejected, stutter, stumble or fail. But our act wasn't all about the result; it was about the original decision to follow through on the positive impulse we had, to honour that. In the face of backfire, the assertive action is to learn from it, try again, or forget about it and let it go. We have choices; the next decision is all ours. Isn't there great freedom in that?
It’s More About Ourselves than Others
I always say that assertiveness is more about ourselves than others. Building self-awareness and self-trust in our ability to act and manage the consequences, positive or negative, out of conflict or desire, is what counts. The rest is beyond our control.
So what positive assertive action will you take this week? Will your partner get a pleasant surprise, will you stay consistent on a tough routine, or will a stranger receive a compliment?
Version 2.0 of my 1:1 assertiveness coaching course Potent Presence is now open for enrollment. Learn more or book a discovery call.
Siobhán Gallagher is a coach, educator and writer working at the intersection between communication, career and wellbeing. Join her mailing list or book a discovery call to learn more about her services. Connect at siobhangallagher.co, LinkedIn and Instagram.