Four Communication Styles: Which One Is Your Default?

Lessons from From Awkward to Empowered - 10 Steps to Assertive Communication - Part One

(Part Two of a series of lessons from From Awkward to Empowered - 10 Steps to Assertive Communication (e-book currently under revision). Read Part One here. )

What Assertiveness Is Not

In coaching, an alternative way to get defined answers to a question, e.g. “What do you want?” is to first identify what you don’t want. In the same way, assertiveness might be better understood by identifying behaviours that are not assertive. These behaviors usually come under three categories: passive, passive aggressive (indirect), and aggressive. If a behaviour can be classified as any of these, then it is not assertive. However, the decision behind it may be.

Let’s take a closer look. 

The Four Communication Styles

PASSIVE: Passive behaviours include agreeing and surrendering to others’ preferences by default, not taking responsibility (for own actions or decisions), self-denial, playing the victim and blaming others.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE: Passive-aggressive behaviours include eye-rolling, sarcasm, manipulation, sulking, silent treatment, snide remarks, contrariness. 

AGGRESSIVE: Aggressive behaviours include banging doors, shouting, finger-pointing, violence, threatening, name-calling.

For the person on the receiving end of such communication styles, aggressive might be the most intimidating. Passive-aggressive may feel the most manipulative, and passive, the most frustrating. What each of these styles have in common is a lack of collaboration, and a negative attitude towards resolution, by opting out of constructive communication. 

Assertive behaviours, on the other hand, include accountability, respectful language, respect for personal space, honesty, clarity, openness, listening, emotional regulation, acceptance, fairness, self-knowing, solution focus, moving on.

We are all capable of and perform passive, passive-aggressive and aggressive behaviours daily. Sometimes our emotions get the better of us, sometimes we face strong provocations, and sometimes passive or aggressive behaviours may be natural and warranted. 

When faced with danger, a passive or aggressive response may be the only way to ensure short-term safety. Aggressiveness could scare off an intimidating dog or an intruder, or motivate action in an emergency. Alternatively, being passive may also help control a hostile situation, and reduce the risk or extent of violence or negative impact. Deliberately choosing such a response (rather than mindlessly reacting) is in itself an assertive decision, because it respects the main priority at the time (safety). 

Sometimes passive behaviour is preferable when we are genuinely indifferent or less capable in certain situations compared to others. Think of boarding priority on a plane when you are in no rush, not speaking up at a low-stakes meeting, feeling unwell, or accepting a lack of decision-making power within a volunteer group.   

The keyword here is ‘genuinely’; if our passivity is genuine according to our desires, needs and obligations in a certain moment, then honouring the right to be passive is an assertive decision. We are being true to our intention of low-energy, low-involvement or low-responsibility activity.

When Behaviour Becomes a Style

However, when these unassertive behaviours become a characteristic style and a deliberate avoidance of collaboration and responsibility that impinges on others, rather than a pragmatic and assertive choice that fits a genuine intention or need, then we are no longer making healthy communication choices. 

The Assertive Communicator

Unlike the chronic passive communicator, the assertive communicator takes responsibility for their own life, past, actions, mistakes and needs. They move on from conflict, disappointment, and failure without wallowing in guilt or resentment, although they will use their experience to inform future decisions. Assertive behaviour reflects a positive outlook. It comes from a place of self-esteem founded on self-knowledge and trust.

This does not imply that the assertive communicator is toxically positive or void of negative emotion. That would be unhealthy. The assertive communicator is aware and accepting of all their emotions, and as a result, in control of how they respond to them. They understand that certain responses or behaviours are not helpful or healthy, and they use assertiveness to move themselves into a more empowered state, which might even mean giving in or letting go. The assertive communicator is accepting of situations out of their control. To that end, assertiveness is not just a communication skill or style, but rather an attitude, and with enough experience, a way of  life. 

What is your default communication style: passive, passive aggressive, aggressive or assertive? 

In Part 3 of this series we’ll explore situations that can call for assertive actions, and the idea of assertiveness with oneself. 

Version 2.0 of my 1:1 assertiveness coaching course Potent Presence is now open for enrollment. Learn more or book a discovery call.

Siobhán Gallagher is a coach, educator and writer working at the intersection between communication, career and wellbeing. Join her mailing list or book a discovery call to learn more about her services. Connect at siobhangallagher.co, LinkedIn and Instagram.