Don’t Believe Everything You Read - Not Even the Dictionary

Lessons from From Awkward to Empowered - 10 Steps to Assertive Communication - Part One

Image by Dibyendu Roy from Pixabay

I’m currently revising From Awkward to Empowered - 10 Steps to Assertive Communication - an e-book I published a few years ago. Over several articles, I’ll be breaking down the main lessons from the book. This is Part One. 

Let’s start by studying the definition of ‘Assertiveness’ - something on which even the dictionaries differ and often miss the mark. Because of simplistic, conflicting and unclear definitions, people can believe that they are behaving assertively when they’re not. Usually they are actually behaving aggressively, even if violence or shouting are not involved.

Let’s take a closer look.

Dictionary Definitions of Assertiveness that Fall Short

Below are two dictionary definitions of assertiveness.

"Having or showing a confident and forceful personality."¹ - The Oxford Pocket Dictionary of Current English

Contrary to this Oxford definition, assertive communication cannot be forceful, because forceful behaviour is aggressive and/or manipulative. It implies control, and a lack of choice on the part of the person you are communicating with. 

Assertiveness, on the other hand, respects the rights of others - including their right to disagree with, or not submit to you. It does not mean that you will always get the result you desire. It is as much about how you behave after you don't get what you desire. True assertiveness is primarily about how your own communication aligns with your personal integrity. 

“Someone who is assertive behaves confidently and is not frightened to say what they want or believe.”² Cambridge Dictionary Online.

Contrary to what the Cambridge definition states, you may not feel confident when you behave assertively. You may, indeed, be nervous or frightened. Think of confronting an authority figure, such as a senior at work, or communicating in an unfamiliar environment, such as before a disciplinary board, or even in a second language. These feelings, however, do not nullify the ability to assert oneself. The decision to act assertively comes from a deeper source of self-esteem in general. It comes from a place of self-knowledge and self-honouring, despite the discomfort experienced from expressing yourself in a particular context. 

Standing up for yourself, or someone else because it is the right and just thing to do may feel frightening, or nerve wracking, but you do it anyway. Equally, walking (or running) away when a situation is no longer safe or healthy for you, is a more assertive action than stubbornly insisting on your point or hanging around to appear strong. 

Conversely, we can behave confidently and not be at all convinced by what we are expressing. Think of an experienced salesperson who believes more in their ability to sell, rather than the product they are selling. Despite their persuasive nature, such confidence is not sincere, and therefore, not assertive either.

Informed Definitions of Assertiveness

The definition by Assertiveness expert and trainer, Anne Dickson, in her book, A Woman in Your Own Right, is much more accurate, I find:

“The art of clear, honest, direct communication.”³

As Anne’s definition suggests, assertiveness is primarily a communication skill. While effective communication can be a matter of learning how to speak, act or write in certain circumstances, a genuine communicator will also draw on other (soft) skills such as emotional intelligence, critical thinking and discernment in all their interactions. Assertiveness is not something to be switched on only in specific circumstances, but rather a mentality or way of life that draws on our experience and values and informs our way of being. As such, it is much more nuanced than the limited dictionary definitions imply.  

My own definition brings these nuances closer to the surface:

“Assertiveness is the ability to know and express yourself accordingly, and manage the consequences of such, while respecting the right of others.” - Siobhán Gallagher

Considering all of the above, assertiveness is not about confident or domineering behaviour, getting your way, or winning. Rather, it's about owning your emotions, and having the positive intention to manage life situations in a straightforward, solution-focused, and pragmatic manner. 

Has this challenged your own understanding of assertiveness? What thoughts has this perspective this brought up for you? Reply to me here. 

In Part Two of this article series, we'll expand on the ideas above, and explore examples of assertive and unassertive conduct, and the situations in which we can expect to use them.

¹ “assertive” The Oxford Pocket Dictionary of Current English. Encyclopedia.com. 14 Aug. 2025

² “assertive” Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary & Thesaurus © Cambridge University Press

³ Dickson, Anne. A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You. Quartet Books, 1982.

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Version 2.0 of my 1:1 assertiveness coaching course Potent Presence is now open for enrollment. Learn more or book a discovery call.

Siobhán Gallagher is a coach, educator and writer working at the intersection between communication, career and wellbeing. Join her mailing list or book a discovery call to learn more about her services. Connect at siobhangallagher.co, LinkedIn and Instagram.